The Paradox of Being Vunerable and The Trend of Bite-Sized “Advice” and “Motivation” while Struggling

For years, I’ve kept the reality of my day-to-day life close to the vest and would only share bits and pieces with people in my life. The people closest to me had a better picture, but no one really knew the depths of what was going on, what I was balancing, and the emotional and physical labor I was exerting on a day to day basis with no break. Being vunerable with people was very scary for me and history had shown that it led to either the admissions being glossed over, used against me, or diminished, which just led to more frustration.

As I said in my “Welcome Post” I’m trying to learn to “mask” less and save some of that energy. This blog is a good place to start and I’m hoping we can build a community here to support that movement; however, letting down the mask that I’ve carefully curated over 20-plus years is daunting. Last week I had the opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with someone who I have been trying to rekindle a relationship with, who is in a position to help, and who I've never really shown my true self. We had a long conversation. I was very open. I explained my struggles and frustrations. I cried. I thought it was a productive conversation. I was proud of myself for letting myself be vunerable around someone who I hoped would be safe. The person seemed to listen, respond, and somewhat understand. I felt our relationship took a step forward and I had a personal victory.

However, a few days later this same person sent me an online short reel, with 100% good intentions, full of bite-sized motivation and bits of wisdom. Most of it was begign and pure logic--don't take advice for anyone who isn't living the way you wan't to live, make your own opportunities, don't live in fear, etc. It was all things that I had learned in my 20s and 30s, but the last bit hit on one of my new bug-a-boos --- bite-sized psychology that is presented as one sized fits all and can make people for whom it doesn't fit feel as though they are failing at something everyone should be able to do. The last bit stated, and I'm paraphrasing, "There will always be storms, and you can cry through the storm or you can learn to dance in the rain." This immediately irked the ever-loving crap out of me and made me feel invalidated and as though what I thought was a conversation where I was heard, was really a conversation where I was dismissed and my problems were diminished.

Not everyone's "rainstorm" is the same and while some people are living through sun storms, some are living through a lively spring rain, some are living through a brisk fall rain that makes you feel alive, some people are living through raging hurricanes, or the infamous Phoenix haboobs where you can't see your hand in front of your face and sand and rocks the size of small skyscrapers gather into a wall that covers the land and sky, some people are living through storms where golf ball size hail is falling at the same time and dancing out there would require bobbing and weaving to dodge the dangers and possible concussions.

Phoenix Haboob August 2020 (Image description: dust storm that is incredibly high up in the sky, creates a wall, and is rolling over houses and streets. The dust is impossible to see through.)

While this individual clearly did not intend to trigger me in anyway, it really points to something I see frequently on social media. There seems to be a trend on that is trickling into relationships to offer these easily-digestible pieces of wisdom that seem innocuous at first glance, but for those who are going through stress and life events most people can not imagine, for those with mental illness, they are pernicious. What people don’t understand are there are ways to present bite-sized motivation to people who are struggling and there are ways not to. The key difference is in acknowledgement. ACKNOWLEDGE that what they are going through frankly sucks. Acknowledgement that life is hard and sometimes you have to do what you have to do to make it through the day.

Better Options For Bite-Sized Advice and Motivation

A better option would be to provide advice that motivates the person to be who they are. To validate that they are in deep pain, and sometimes there is nothing to do for deep pain but to just SURVIVE it. Acknowledge to that person in your life that sometimes you will have to wake up, cry, and repeat until one day you don’t need to cry and that that’s OK for right now.

For example, one day at the library I stumbled on a book, The Comfort Book by Matt Haig, I will be quoting from it frequently, and it is a book composed of entirely bite-sized to short conversation-sized tidbits. The difference is it comes from someone who has been through the darkness and came out the other side. That knows the darkness might come back. At any time. One example of his useful bite-sized motivation is the following:

This passage has reminded me, in simple terms, multiple times that my present is not my forever. Tomorrrow can be different. I just need to put one front of the other and survive. At the end of the day, we all need to just SURVIVE. There are many paths that take you to that same place.

Good bite-sized motivation also gives you a new perspective on the world that is genuinely novel. Another great small piece of perspective from Haig and The Comfort Book comes in:

This quote reminds me that sometimes we need to escape the wheel or "ladder" of expection. It's OK to refuse to climb the "ladders" set before us an instead look at that infinite possibilities that are in front of us now and allow us to be ourselves. Hearing a loved one or family member tell me that it's OK to let go of the things that are causing me pain and that I won't fall--there is still life in the after--I will SURVIVE is much more motivational then getting the dressed up version of "suck it up buttercup."

So What Does This All Mean?

The fact that the second two examples of bite-sized motivation and advice are far less common from friends and family demonstrates that most people aren't willing, or don't know how, to have the tough conversations, aren't willing to BELIEVE when someone tells them even a slice of how bad things really are and lets the mask slips a little. I think it is a tragedy in society that the general population isn't educated on how to be comfortable with people who are struggling. Most people can't just sit and exist with someone going through hell. As a result, the downtrodden, the depressed, the manic, the sick, the overwhelmed, the burnt out are offered niceties that make families and friends feel as though they've accomplished something. Most of the time the sufferer is reminded why they've for so long chosen to suffer in silence

I have spent a lot of time with therapists working on learning how to be vunerable with people so that I wasn't isolating myself and would feel less alone. My therapists and I had a long discussion about identifying people who are and who are not safe for your vunerability. However, I'm learning that identifying this is harder than you think because most people are not comfortable having real conversations about hard things and just listening or being.

Join me in the comments: What is the best bite-sized advice or motivation you've ever gotten and why? What was the worst?